Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Motivation and downer feelings

I learned once a way to motivate myself to do things I didn't really feel like doing. I would consider the ways in which I would benefit in doing it then. I came up with the values in completing the task. This helped immensely with house cleaning and homework. Sometimes there's so much that you want to do, that your brain freezes up like a five-year-old Apple laptop and you can't do a damn thing but sit there. I noticed after my first semester of college that, my motivation levels were tapped dry. I didn't feel like doing work, or seeing people, or volunteering, or being involved in school stuff. I wondered if I was depressed. Maybe I was, but then I felt I was just plain burnt out. Because I have this amazing knack for getting worked up over school stuff. My greatest fear in life is to be considered stupid by other people, and myself. Maybe it's my self I'm more worried about. Doing something wrong or not understanding a concept just makes me think that maybe I've been living in a huge illusion about myself all this time. Insecurities are a bitch.
I've learned to tell those little whispering bastards to shut up. I know I'm an intelligent person on some level, and I know that I am capable of way more than I realize. Inferiority complex from high-school maybe? What a barrel of laughs those four years were. How can you not feel s if you don't have two braincells to keep you warm when so many of your classmates will be sliding easily into careers as Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers and all those occupations that parents wish their kids would succeed in. I never wanted to be any of that though. My ambitions are much more relaxed and vague. Do right by other people. Work at something that impacts peoples lives in a positive way however small. Right Occupation it's called.

But man, things are going really well for me right now. But the little voice in my head that makes critical remarks is saying I'm not doing enough with my time, not working hard enough to find an awesome job, not doing all that I could do. But whatever, just have to take it a day as it comes and fill my time with talking to people and spending time with those I care about and getting out of the house. I'm happiest when I have good people to talk to.

Which confuses me. As an introverted person at heart, I find I have in fact a strong need for human interaction. Loneliness is really the greatest poison. How can you want both at once? Solitude and company?

Lots of sad-sack thoughts signals it's time I got out into the sunshine.
Wish Sweetbean would call. It always brightens my head.

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